living in a group home

I've been wanting to write a  blog for several days but I've had full body pain and insomnia making it difficult. It's very hard for me to organize thoughts after not sleeping well. I don't know why I have such pain. My psy thinks it might be depression related. Can your body really hurt this much just b/c your depressed tho?

I've been wanting to write about group homes. I've already taken my sleep meds but couldn't sleep so I hope this all makes sense. 

When I got out of the hospital for the first and only time, I was sent to a  group home. It was 24 hr 'care.' Previous to this I had been living on my own independently for 12 years. Some times with roommates, most of the time alone. It is a massive shock to the system to go from being a independent 32 yr old, to being hospitalized, to living in a group home where basically you have zero freedom. My disability pension was taken away to cover the cost of the housing, I then received a 90$ 'care package' installment each month. How is anyone supposed to live off 90$ a month? This is justified by saying meals are provided. However the meals were not exactly filling or balanced. I would use my 90$ to buy food-which was then promptly stolen every time by other residents no matter how hard I tried to hide it in the fridge. They were spending all their money on cigs. You can't often go out to eat on a 90$ budget per month either. I also needed to buy toiletries and clothes.

This home was all girls who were quite...I don't know how to put it. I think a lot of them on top of having mental illness had mental retardation. They were extremely difficult to talk to. Some as if they had never talked to anyone before. Others just can't carry a thought. Some just snobby as well I suppose. Even tho I still had psychosis I was much better off then these girls. They were all obsessed with pop music like gaga and blasted it all day and night. This is not my style at all. I was desperate to get out. It was making my mental state worse to be with these girls in such small quarters. There was more to it of course. They would watch murder shows all the time. In my psychosis I thought any violence I saw would happen to me as well. I was stuck on the main floor with these people. Even if I wasn't in the tv room there was no where to go to get away from it. Not even outside b/c it was winter and freeeeeeeezing. A lot of the time they would have the tv blasting and the cd blasting at the same time and didn't bother them a bit. I was going through a time where I really needed quiet. there were also set meal times and bedtimes. I felt like I was being treated like a 4 year old. Breakfast and lunch weren't even made for us-so why a set meal time? We were not allowed out of our bedrooms (which were shared)  for any reason at night.Someone would come in our room and shine a flashlight in our eyes waking us up every single night.

I was scared of my roommate. I'm unclear of what she did but she was sent to the big institution for a crime against someone else. I'm assuming physical violence b/c of a phone conversation I over heard. I was having psychosis about being murdered before I even moved in and they paired me with her. She defiantly was having psychosis of some kind and had possibly tried to or did kill someone. She was not fully discharged from the hospital. She lived part time there still. As much as I get mad at people who assume schizophrenics are violent I have to admit I've been scared of some.


The biggest problem I had was that no one acknowledged my lack of freedom and what a big change it was.  They thought I should be grateful to be there. I find that people who work in group homes don't expect you to have the same kinds of dreams that they have for yourself. I had the feeling that when I talked to them about what was normal for a 30-something to be doing with their life it was always 'but not for your kind' No one talked to me about the trauma of finding out you have schizophrenia or losing your freedom and home. They just expect you to adjust in 5 mins b/c how dare you have dreams for yourself anyway?

The most disturbing thing I saw was a girl who was moving from another group home into ours had changed her mind on move in day. She showed up with her stuff (which would not fit in our tiny shared rooms) and decided she wanted to move on her own-which she had been told would happen after living two years at this other group home. The staff then changed their minds and said they would not help her get housing except for another group home. While she was waiting for her parents to pick her up the staff and support staff gave her a lecture that she needed to stay. They said if people didn't want to move into these homes they would lose their jobs. They pounded this into her trying to guilt her into moving in. No compassion for this girls feelings or what she had been promised or what was best for her-just the staffs concerns for themselves. The girls left with her stuff making sure they knew she was not moving in. Well the group home told welfare she was moving in and when she tried to rent some where else she was denied her disability money b.c it had gone to pay rent at the group home when she was not living there.

I will write about the 2nd group home another time.

filmed

I was doing exceptional on abilify for months-now there are some cracks. On Monday I was waiting in my parents car for them to come out of a store. I started to wonder if the car was hooked up with cameras so they could spy on what I do when they are not around. It seemed completely normal to me to think this for several hours. I began to question it. Is this the normal thing for people to do? Or is it not something people do? My mind gets confused.

I didn't go into my psy on Thursday. Every time I have an important place to be I can't sleep the night before. I was also having another health problem as well. She called me on the phone unhappy I wasn't at the appt. She said she 'needed to get a look at me.' She was worried about the car cameras. I don't know if I should be worried or not. Yes I shouldn't have thought those things-but within a few hours I had figured out I was wrong. That's a good thing-insight.

I'm having trouble budgeting money. My parents even gave me extra money this month but it's gone and am running out of some groceries. I'm using money I should have used for my utilities bill. I'm going to cut off my utilities for a short bit then sign up with a cheaper company. I dread the stress of workmen from two different companies coming in my apartment. I hate having people in here. It's going to be an uncomfortable time. I think the budgeting is a sign of my mental health not being at it's best. I'm usually very responsible and don't let myself have extras.

The kitchen looked like it was on an episode of hoarders yesterday. I had to order pizza b/c there was no way to cook. I couldn't make heads or tails of it and I just kind of shut down and couldn't deal with it. I get very stressed out with clutter. esp. if it's dirty. I made some headway in there today.

The only good news is my tomato plants have tiny green tomatoes on them now. This is the first time I've grown tomatoes and I usually have a black thumb.

ideas again

So my mind is going but I'm having creative ideas again.

I think it is true when they say people with mental illness are more creative than 'normals.' The more out of it I get the more ideas I get for art and writing. After starting medication I did not draw or write anything until around 1 1/2 weeks ago. I started the meds in Sept. 2009. I don't really know how to finish any of the writing I've started-that has always been a big problem for me. Ideas can rain down but at some point you need the endings to come to you. So this is the good news.

The bad news. With this comes the fear that I may slip back into psychosis so bad that I'm unable to look after myself or recognize that I'm sick. Every time I slip I think of this. I finally have a apt I can afford after being in a  group home; before that the hospital; before that a basement suite that was so much I couldn't afford my own groceries. I had to go to the food bank. It was the cheapest suite I could find and I only had 2 days to find a place. I do live in one of the most expensive cities in the world. I'm settled now and I don't want anything to change.

Some of the things I'm dealing with:

voices, the feeling bugs are on me, hearing random things, fear of being secretly video taped as well as some others. To be honest if I had the assurance these things wouldn't get worse I could live with them. Before meds I lived with this stuff for years. It's not the little things it's hitting the bottom. I'm sort of prepared to go to my psy tomorrow and tell her I don't want to change my meds. I'll just live with this stuff and see where it goes. I don't know if that's wise or not. I'm afraid to see where it goes but I want to be creative. What to do?

goals

After my last blog I decided I need to try harder with writing and art. Maybe things just wont come to me the way they have in the past. Maybe working harder for it will? I have a small sketchbook and old journal with which to write something or draw something everyday. The writing can not be about me-only characters outside of myself.
When I was psychotic I threw away all my art and writing I had been collecting my entire life. I remember vaguely a few fantasy pieces of writing I could pick up on. That might ease me into this again. Or should I start new? I don't know. Time will tell. 
I feel like this is something essential I have to do for myself-but I doubt my psy would understand it. Most people wouldn't understand it thinking it's just me being lazy and focusing on 'hobbies.'

On a different note in a earlier blog I talked about my new eating plan which I'm happy to say I have stuck to! (there have been a  few treats here and there) I really feel better after adding veg to half my diet.

no art and hallucinations

Since starting medication I have not done any creative writing. I started meds in 2009. Before that I had one story published in an anthology. It has always been my dream to be a writer/painter but it seems like that has been taken away. I feel no creativity anymore and it used to come so easily. When I try to paint nothing comes out even partially right. It's as if I've never painted before. Has anyone else experienced this? I think this is one of the reasons when I was diagnosed I felt as if I really lost myself. Things I thought were real for 17 years were no longer real. I began to like different foods. My passions in life were gone. My outlet in writing vanished. My drive wiped out.

I've been having hypnagogic (sp?) hallucinations. This is when you experience hallucinations while waking up or falling asleep. It's not related to schizophrenia and apparently 37% of the populations has them. This makes me wonder why no one talks about them. Is there so much stigma around hearing voices and seeing things that a disorder that affects 37% of the population can't be discussed? Mine has been minor things from hearing voices to more serious things like seeing a man in my bedroom. That one was scary b/c I really thought it was real.

up and down

So I can not force myself to bathe today. I could not force myself to go to a medical appt either. I don't know why. I am completely up and down with my moods. My psy doesn't know what to make of me I think b/c when she asks how I am my answer is always different. Although I think she thinks drugs can stabilize your mood permanently and mine can't be. Our appts. are always about drugs. Drugs and sleep. My sleep is always all over the place too. My psy doesn't understand that either and blames it on caffeine. It's not caffeine. Some days I can rink tons of it and sleep just fine. I've always had up and down sleep. Up and down is what is normal for me. This is why I don't think I will ever really be a productive member of society. It's very hard for me to make commitments. I can have all the best intentions in the world but there is a 50% chance on that day I need to be somewhere that I just can't drag myself there.

On a different note I need to find a diet that works for me. I have always been over weight but with the meds it is out of control. I used to only eat once a day and was still over weight. Now I eat 3-4 times. This is b/c I'm hungrier than I used to be; my rent is now cheaper so I can afford more food; my dr. told me my body would be in starvation mode. This is what I have been eating. Breakfast: mini wheats. Lunch: spaghetti Dinner: spinach salad. Then a random snack. I think the spaghetti will pack on the pounds-of course I put cheese on it. What should I eat to replace it? I need something cheap. Food prices are very high in B.C. Canada. I was thinking about rice with veg? Vegetables are very expensive tho.

sick and tired

I feel like I haven't posted in ages. I got all my blood tests back and they were all normal. I was shocked. Why do I feel so sick and tired all the time? Could it really be a flu that lasts months? My psy thinks it sounds like depression but I don't feel that depressed. At least not as depressed as I used to feel. I told my psy about my anxiety. She kept asking me if it was b/c I thought people were thinking bad things about me when I go out in public. It's not-but she thinks it is. She kept saying that there had to be a thought in my head that was causing anxiety but if there is I don't know what it is. I don't really think anxiety is that easy to fix. People have unreasonable anxiety all the time and it's not b/c they are paranoid or psychotic.

Juju thanks for the offer of melatonin but I don't want to give out my personal info. Very kind of you.

hi

I've been away from here for a bit with illness. Dr.s don't know if it's negative symptoms or thyroid or flu or urinal tract infection or diabetes. I have been drop down exhausted to the point even a bath is a chore. I finally got tests done which is good but now I have to wait for results.

I have taken a bunch of pills and still no rest. I know  people suggested melatonin but can't afford it now.

I wonder how many people with mentally ill families move to Canada just to get the health care. In the psych ward and in group homes half were english second language. All of the people in my group home had disability benefits which includes shelter and food allowance and some of the people were not citizens of Canada. I'm not sure exactly how it all works. However services are reducing and this may all cause a giant problem with over flooding the system with consumers.

Taking Care Of The Most Unfortunate

So Trazodone only worked for 1 night. I am back to being incredibly drowsy with no sleep.

On a completely different note-I keep reading blogs where people talk about breaking the stereotype of what a schizophrenic person is. They usually say something like 'I work, I have friends and social skills, I'm not some bum off my meds in a dumpster.' These sorts of things disturb me. If you are high functioning  great for you! You have the right to tell people some schizophrenics are. There is a wide range of us for sure. But don't put down people who are off meds (they may not believe they are even sick; I didn't) Don't put down people with low function problems like sociability and basic care needs. And certainly don't call people 'bums in dumpsters.' Those 'bums' are human beings and are part of our community. It's not their fault they have not received enough help to get out of that situation and are not mentally capable of doing it on their own. Anyone of us could become that one day. It's the truth. Meds stop working-you get sick-you don't believe your sick-you lose your job-you don't get help because you think your fine/your too out of it to get help-homelessness. I'm sure none of us want to think about it happening to us. Maybe that is why there is such a push for people to try to prove they are high functioning/'normal' and push themselves away from others in the community who aren't as lucky.

The problem is this: there are so many low functioning homeless or otherwise who desperately need intervention and help. We know the sickest and poorest people get shut out of help due to medicare discrimination is the USA and closing of most hospital beds in USA and Canada. Our community can't only focus on the high functioning. We need to acknowledge these people and educate the public about the help they need. We need more funding and it wont come if the public think we are all just fine and dandy.

drug induced parkinsons

I have been having tremors, muscle rigidity and was worried that it was a sign of Parkinsons.  After research I found out that Parkinsons is caused by a loss of dopamine. When you take anti-psychotics it causes symptoms of Parkinsons such as tremors, rigidity-loss of motion, slower speech. Usually when you stop taking anti-psychotics the symptoms stop-but some people have them last for years after. I'm not sure if my muscle rigidity is from this or osteoarthritis. Either way it is causing me a lot of grief.  It makes me angry that when I reported muscle rigidity to a past psy he said I was lazy and never told me it could be this.

psychosis is traumatizing

I finally got some sleep after being prescribed Trazodone. I went for a few weeks without sleeping more than 2 hrs in a stretch. Some days I couldn't even function enough to have a bath. The Trazodone only works for me for 4 hrs tho. I slept 4, took another pill and slept maybe 3.5. I still feel a bit drowsy. I'm hoping to actually be able to get something accomplished today.

I've started talk therapy with a p. nurse. I think this will be good for me b/c I keep crying when my Psy brings up my psychosis. I don't really even know why I cry about it. I still cry about my godmothers death when it is brought up and it happened when I was 8. I think b/c no one ever talked to me about it. I think finding out you have psychosis is traumatizing. Esp. for me b/c I had it for 17 yrs. 17 years of my life were a lie. I felt like I had lost my entire personality. Nothing I thought was real, was real. I'm no longer interested in things that I was fascinated with before (like aliens, conspiracy theory ect.) I am embarrassed to run into anyone I have known over the last 17 years b/c of all the lies I told them that I thought were true. This is anyone from high school until a few years ago. Psychosis was over half of my life. I've been out of the hospital for 2.5 years and this is the first person willing to talk to me about it, or acknowledge that it is traumatizing. Everyone else (drs. nurses, social workers, group home staff) all acted like 'so your out of the hospital why aren't you accomplishing anything' 'so your out of the hospital your fine now' as if there were no more problems.

On another note-does anyone get tremors from meds? I told my psy about it and she wrote it down but said nothing about it. I'm worried it's a sign of parkinsons. I read that it's a early warning sign that often appears before 40.

Recovery?

Why do people use the word recovery when talking about Schizophrenia? You don't recover you just dull the effects with meds. How long will the meds work? No one knows. You could be fine for months then all of a sudden have a hallucination. It's a roller coaster. And mood. I never know what my mood will be when I get up in the morning. Will I be able to get up and get a few chores done, or will I be unable to even get myself in the bath.
My GP the first day I met her referred to me as recovered and asked me when I would be getting back to work. I sat there mute unable to come up with something to say. BTW she seems to think volunteering is not work. She always wants to know when I'm going to be paid. A normal paid job is just the amount of stress I need to start hallucinating again and shoot my anxiety way up. She doesn't understand these things-she doesn't understand much. At my last paid job I began crying uncontrollably everyday in front of management until eventually they would not allow me back. I just snapped and couldn't take it any more. I missed shifts b/c I couldn't bear to go in. I lost the reality of paycheck=home. I told my former dr. this and she got me disability for generalized anxiety disorder. She had no idea I was actually schizophrenic. I was obviously in denial about it b/c I did not hear 'crazy voices' I heard angels. I never told her about that.
I have no idea who reads this blog, but it made me feel good to write two tonight when I can't sleep.

bus/bed/therapy

When you take the bus on the weekend there is a good chance it will be detoured for a special event. I keep forgetting this during the few times I venture downtown on the weekend. I also noticed weekend bus riders have no idea what they are doing. I have no idea what they do during the week to get around b/c they act like they have never been on a bus in their lives. Every single stop people get on and ask where the bus goes. Sometimes people who have been on the bus for sometime decided to get up and ask where they are going. This boggles my mind. Figure it out beforehand. Don't just ride aimlessly around the city hoping the bus will take you where you want to go. One thing that got me upset is that an old man got on the bus; his disability card said he was born in 1935. None of the young healthy looking people taking up all the front seating would get up for him. I let him have my seat even tho I have a disability pass and it is hard for me to stand on a bus with my osteo arthritis. Boggles my mind how people don't think of others; especially the elderly and the handicap.

I have had a terrible week with staying in bed all day, almost everyday. No chores have been done. The place is a dump. I did manage to go to my volunteering and my team meeting. I'm glad I got up the ooomf to go. My Dr. thinks I might be having thyroid problems rather than negative symptoms so I will have to go in for quite a few tests. As always I have to get the old diabetes test again. It's one I always pray I don't have.


I am supposed to start talk therapy this week. I am horrible at sitting down in a office and discussing my problems. I hate it when they ask you what you want to talk about. I never know where to begin. I have terrible guilt over telling people things that were not true about my life-I thought they were true but it was psychosis. It is very embarrassing to me. I always avoid/pray I don't run into any old friends so I wont have to explain. I suppose that is where therapy could start.

Meds

I had psychosis for 17 years before being put on meds. I understand why some people don't want to be on meds. For years my psychosis was seeing and hearing angels and faeries. I loved it. I thought I was psychic and special. Even now that I know what it was-if that was all being schizophrenic meant in my life I wouldn't take meds. I would actually like to live among the faeries. The problem is that it took a much darker turn in my life to where I thought my house and thoughts were bugged. I couldn't have a single private thought. I thought I was watched 24/7 even on the toilet and in the shower. I thought people were breaking into my basement and drugging me, threatening to kill me. You just can't survive living with that level of psychosis everyday-I think even if you were somewhat aware it wasn't real-and certainly you can't if you believe it. I am scared that that will happen to me again and start a downward spiral. Losing my mind and housing. Again. So I take my meds everyday.

binge

I tend to binge eat after taking me meds. I am ashamed of what I just ate as I feel sick. A pint of ice cream, mini eggs and 3 english muffins with cheddar. This is all before I plan to go to bed.

I've asked my dr to take me off zopiclone which is part of the reason I do this. She now wants me to take trazodone and zopiclone at the same time. I didn't understand her explanation. I haven't been sleeping-zop no longer works which is why I also want to dump it.

I was on a great streak of  productivity a few weeks ago and that has vanished. Now I stay in bed all day and have to force myself to bathe. Laundry tomorrow b/c there is nothing left to wear.

to dream or not to dream

I used to be upset about birthdays. Every year was a year I hadn't accomplished my dreams in life-specific goals I had planned out for myself. I can't get down on myself about that -I was undiagnosed, unmedicated and doing the very best I could in a very stressful world. Now my birthday goes by with no unpleasantness at all. This is b/c I have no dreams left. Absolutely no goals to accomplish in my life. My previous goal involved working with children. Who would let me do that now? In this world a schizophrenic would not be allowed. Would not get past the reference check. Parents would freak out that the schizophrenic would 'schiz out' and hurt the kids.

I hope my blogs make sense to people. The only time I have the energy to write them is after taking sleeping pills-i know, what?

no desire

I have no desire to do anything. I don't know if this is negative symptoms or depression or of a result of changing  my medication times. In 4 days this is the most I have done- to write this. When I first got bumped up on sertraline I was full of energy. I started painting again. I cleaned. I cooked. I started this blog. I started a goal journal I was very enthused about. This was all within 3 days. Then I got sick. Is this funk just the flu? I don't know.

My mental health team never talks about negative symptoms. It's always centered around my reality thinking. I didn't even know what negative symptoms were really until I started reading other people blogs. I think they have taken over my life for years and no dr. said anything except I'm lazy. When I lived in a group home I spent everyday just drinking tea and staring down at the table. Again no one thought this odd-just lazy. I had no desire to even leave the house. No desire to start a art project even. No one told me this is part of the disease.

My dr. wants me to get back into the work force-has she not been paying attention? Some weeks I can't wash a dish in the sink. Sometimes I don't sleep for a week. These are cycling symptoms I work hard at sometimes-then sometimes they take over. Then of course all the other physical ailments.I do manage to work a half day volunteering. I hope I will be able to keep on at it.

Those three days I talked about before were wonderful. I was looking after myself and nothing is better than the ability to do that.

Zopiclone

I have insomnia and Zopiclone no longer works. In fact it seems to give me more drive to get up and do things. The downside to that is in the morning sometimes I don't remember what I've done-what emails I've sent off that I might not have if I hadn't taken the drug. It's hard to cut off it b/c it makes me feel good. Unfortunately it make me want to eat. eeek! Does anyone know of other sleep medications? My drs. are always hesitant to try anything else b/c they think they are addictive. But if I have to take it every night anyway who cares?

Self Care

I have troubles with self care sometimes. I don't brush my teeth or bathe for 3 days-I make that my limit no matter how badly I don't want to do it. But why don't I want to do it? I don't have the answer.

The same thing goes for my apt. It could be almost uninhabitable sometimes and I will turn a blind eye. I really sometimes don't notice until someone else comes in here and I suddenly look at it from their point of view; or sometimes I just snap out of my haze.

I recently got pushed up onto 50mg of zoloft. The first few days I felt great and had a new appreciation for looking after myself. I wanted everything organized for once-properly. I threw everything out of the bathroom and scrubbed it all down. I started a goal journal to set tasks for myself everyday. I started this blog to organize my thoughts and feelings.  It felt amazing. Then I got the flu and it all stopped. Why does that have to happen when I'm on a roll. So much more to get done and I've lost my drive.

The good thing is I realized how much these things affect my mental health. It's not just a dish in the sink-it's a stressor. A sink full is anxiety that leads to avoidance. It makes you feel good to care for your home-so why don't I do it? A therapist on hoarders asked her client why she didn't love herself enough to keep a nice home. Is that it? Do I hate myself? A comment was once made to me by a mental health worker. I said something about paying rent on my new place and she said 'well, you don't pay rent, we do the public' B/c I'm on assistance. Do I feel guilty for not paying my own rent? Yes-even tho right now I know I can't. I feel it was a mean thing for her to say. I used to work several jobs. For a while 7 days a week. I payed taxes into the system that now helps me so why do I have to feel guilty b/c I need help?

.

17 Years of Psychosis part 1

I had psychosis for 17 years before I was put in the hospital. It started when I was in high school. (going back to about grade 1 I thought I was being haunted by ghosts-I don't know if that a bit psychotic or not) I thought I was being drugged and sexually assaulted by a family member I was living with. I thought my mother was in on it but wouldn't help me. I told people about this and no one helped me. Looking back it is completely fucked up. I told my best friend and she believed that this was happening to me but offered no help (she was only a teen-what was she to do?) I phoned a family friend who is a psychiatric nurse and she told me it was my 'sexual hormones' which made me think she was accusing me of being sexually attracted to this family member. She thought I was fantasizing about him. (to this day I can not stand that woman. she should not be  allowed to practice in that profession. no other p-nurse I have met would have ever acted that way) I was taken to a psychiatrist (ok there was that effort to help) but we only went once. I did not trust him at all- didn't like the looks of him so I told him nothing about what had gone on. He kept asking me if I was hearing voices. In my head I rolled my eyes and thought oh god this quack thinks I'm a schizophrenic. I wasn't hearing voices at that time so I kept saying no. He spoke to my mom alone and we left. I went to my regular Dr. about not sleeping. He told me I could have some sleeping pills which I had been asking for for ages. After the first night on them I did not feel good. My head felt like it was swelling up then deflating-an odd thing. I decided I couldn't take the pills anymore. I stopped and no one said boo about it. A few months later I went to a fill in Dr. He asked me why I had been put on anti-psychotics. I told him I wasn't I was on sleeping pills-he said no that's not what that was. When he left the room I took my file. The psychiatrist and written that I was schizophrenic and had put me on anti-psychotics. My mother and all the dr.s knew this and no one told me. This is something I can not forgive my mother for or that dr (the dr later lost his license for something unrelated to me) How can you not tell someone about their own illness? Would you do that to someone with cancer?

I will have to finish this later...

Blogs and Books

Just in case someone comes across this blog I wanted to ask if you know of other good blogs and books about Schizophrenia.
I have read recently Weekends At Bellevue by Dr. Julie Holland (non-fiction) It gives an interesting view of how we are treated/thought of by mental health care professionals.

Henry's Deamons by Patrick and Henry Cockburn. (non-fiction) This book is an interesting idea as it it written by both father and son in alternating chapters. The father spends to much time writing about his journalism creds for my liking but none the less I enjoyed it. (mostly enjoyed the sons parts)

I Know This Much To Be True (fiction) by Wally Lamb. I prefer non fiction but this is a very good book. It's a book I put down for months then pick up again b/c it's great but I find it very depressing. I told my psychiatrist it was depressing and she was surprised. It makes me wonder if she really understands how devastating this disease can be to the people who have it. She obviously can't put herself in my shoes. I can't explain anymore b/c I don't want to give away the book.

weight gain and bad psychiatrists

There are several things on my mind. Weight gain and bad psychiatrists mostly. I gained 80 pds while on risperidone. My psychiatrist  at that time said to me 'it makes you gain weight, but the good thing is you can't gain weight if you don't over eat. so just don't over eat' He blamed me for my weight gain. When I told him I wasn't over eating he told me to 'check myself'. I lived in a group home at the time and all I was eating was cereal or 2 hard boiled eggs for breakfast, then whatever dinner was provided. Once in a while yes I would buy myself a treat but 80pds?! After he retired I got a new psychiatrist and a new psychiatric nurse. The nurse told me that anti-psychotics mess with your metabolism. She was more understanding about the weight than the previous dr but still asked me if I had some emotional issues for the weight gain. If the drugs do mess with your metabolism why do people have to make you feel so bad about gaining weight? My group home wrote a letter to my previous dr telling him that I made excuses not to exercise. Well this 'excuse' was that they wanted me to go for an hr long walk. I did not know it at the time but I was developing bone spurs in my back that made walking sometimes very painful. Sometimes so painful I would have to sit down b/c I could no longer stand up. I felt that my group home and my dr were in cahoots to be uncaring. My dr. often called me lazy. I told him once that my ankles were freezing up and I couldn't walk properly sometimes. He said that was from being lazy. That problem went away when I stopped taking risperidone which causes muscle stiffness. So I was not lazy-I was having a side effect he should have been concerned about.BTW this dr. was quite over weight himself so WTF?

I feel that every time you go to a new dr or nurse they have different information than the last one. It's as if some don't want to do their homework and learn about what's current. They just slide through the day being idiots to us and collecting huge paychecks. This dr. told me I couldn't gain weight on that drug unless I over ate. Wrong. He said the drugs only cause stiffness in the arms. Wrong. Wrong about a lot of things. Plus just a dick on top of it all. But the Dr. in the hospital was even worse. I wont go into it now.

Birthday

So my birthday is coming up. This is significant to me b/c when I had psychosis I believed I was going to be murdered before this birthday. I wonder what this entire year would have been like for me had I not been put in hospital and given meds. Living everyday like people are out to get you is awful. I lived it for a few weeks before I was taken in. I can't imagine living that way for years. The toll it would have taken on me. Medication can be an amazing thing.

I'm in an anxious/upset mood b/c I read in another blog that abilify (which is what I take) can cause TD. I had been told by a dr that it probably doesn't. Has anyone else heard of this?

A Normal Person

I constantly find myself saying 'a normal person should be able to do this...' to myself. I used to think it was a way to motivate myself and question why I was so lazy. This morning when I thought it I realized I was putting myself down. I am not the same as other people health wise. In addition to SZ I have osteoarthritis and am quite over weight. I'm not the same as I was even a few years ago and I can't expect myself to do as much in a day. I get upset that sometimes I can't walk even 1 block without being in pain. It's not my fault my arthritis acts up but I somehow feel like it's my fault I'm so unhealthy at a young age. I used to work 7 days a week at 2 different jobs. Now I am just working 1 half day.  My goal now is to figure out what is realistic for me to accomplish in a day. What is lazy and what is a productive day. To help myself with this I am starting a goal journal. In the morning I make myself a list of  tasks to carry out. I feel like this will help me have a more balanced and productive week.

First Blog-Stigma

I have just today started reading some of the blogs written by people with Schizophrenia. I was surprised by how upbeat they were. I assumed, like me, most people live with a tremendous weight on their shoulders. I worry constantly about people finding out I have it. How will they react? How will they react privately as I know someone could seem sympathetic to your face only to be mean to your back.  Will I ever get back to a 'normal' job. I have faced stigma even volunteering for a charity. Several mental health consumers worked there. In short I heard comments being thrown around such as 'why do you even talk to him? he's a mental health consumer. he's crazy and not worth speaking to.' I think this had a terrible effect on me. I feared this was how people with a diagnosis would be treated-then I saw it first hand. Not worth speaking to? I got up from the table and walked out. I was close to tears for weeks when thinking about it? Am I overly sensitive? I wrote them a letter a week later telling them why I walked out. I told them I can't work for a organization that treats mental health consumers that way. Their response was that the conversation was not for me to hear-wasn't about me-but sorry if it upset you.

I also worry about my housing situation. I live in subsidized housing so certain people who run it know I have an illness. The tenants do not. The building has become a 'hard to house building' meaning people with MI and addictions get first spot at moving in after a hospital stay. This is very new and the old tenants seem to be on a witch hunt to find out which one of us has what. I fear if they find out they will try to get me evicted. I am not being paranoid-I think this is happening to someone down the hall from me. I think he has Schizophrenia b/c he has flat effect. I know for sure he has MI b/c I have seen him somewhere getting services. People in the building gossip about him and how he looks crazy. (he is very friendly and nice) They are starting rumors that he is trying to break into apts. When asked why they say that they just say 'he looks crazy'. Another reason I worry about housing is that even tho they let you live here with MI if you have a public breakdown you are evicted. To me this seems unevolved. Why can't they understand the illness, get someone help, and let them come back afterward. There is limited housing options for someone on disability pension in this over priced city. More pressure on me: If i lose it I pray to lose it quietly.

When people in the community heard about this new hard to house rule they went berserk. They began writing to newspapers saying they don't want family members living in a apt with the mentally ill. They think we are dangerous. They think we bring down the value of the neighborhood.

I don't know how to end this. Please leave comments.