Taking Care Of The Most Unfortunate

So Trazodone only worked for 1 night. I am back to being incredibly drowsy with no sleep.

On a completely different note-I keep reading blogs where people talk about breaking the stereotype of what a schizophrenic person is. They usually say something like 'I work, I have friends and social skills, I'm not some bum off my meds in a dumpster.' These sorts of things disturb me. If you are high functioning  great for you! You have the right to tell people some schizophrenics are. There is a wide range of us for sure. But don't put down people who are off meds (they may not believe they are even sick; I didn't) Don't put down people with low function problems like sociability and basic care needs. And certainly don't call people 'bums in dumpsters.' Those 'bums' are human beings and are part of our community. It's not their fault they have not received enough help to get out of that situation and are not mentally capable of doing it on their own. Anyone of us could become that one day. It's the truth. Meds stop working-you get sick-you don't believe your sick-you lose your job-you don't get help because you think your fine/your too out of it to get help-homelessness. I'm sure none of us want to think about it happening to us. Maybe that is why there is such a push for people to try to prove they are high functioning/'normal' and push themselves away from others in the community who aren't as lucky.

The problem is this: there are so many low functioning homeless or otherwise who desperately need intervention and help. We know the sickest and poorest people get shut out of help due to medicare discrimination is the USA and closing of most hospital beds in USA and Canada. Our community can't only focus on the high functioning. We need to acknowledge these people and educate the public about the help they need. We need more funding and it wont come if the public think we are all just fine and dandy.

drug induced parkinsons

I have been having tremors, muscle rigidity and was worried that it was a sign of Parkinsons.  After research I found out that Parkinsons is caused by a loss of dopamine. When you take anti-psychotics it causes symptoms of Parkinsons such as tremors, rigidity-loss of motion, slower speech. Usually when you stop taking anti-psychotics the symptoms stop-but some people have them last for years after. I'm not sure if my muscle rigidity is from this or osteoarthritis. Either way it is causing me a lot of grief.  It makes me angry that when I reported muscle rigidity to a past psy he said I was lazy and never told me it could be this.

psychosis is traumatizing

I finally got some sleep after being prescribed Trazodone. I went for a few weeks without sleeping more than 2 hrs in a stretch. Some days I couldn't even function enough to have a bath. The Trazodone only works for me for 4 hrs tho. I slept 4, took another pill and slept maybe 3.5. I still feel a bit drowsy. I'm hoping to actually be able to get something accomplished today.

I've started talk therapy with a p. nurse. I think this will be good for me b/c I keep crying when my Psy brings up my psychosis. I don't really even know why I cry about it. I still cry about my godmothers death when it is brought up and it happened when I was 8. I think b/c no one ever talked to me about it. I think finding out you have psychosis is traumatizing. Esp. for me b/c I had it for 17 yrs. 17 years of my life were a lie. I felt like I had lost my entire personality. Nothing I thought was real, was real. I'm no longer interested in things that I was fascinated with before (like aliens, conspiracy theory ect.) I am embarrassed to run into anyone I have known over the last 17 years b/c of all the lies I told them that I thought were true. This is anyone from high school until a few years ago. Psychosis was over half of my life. I've been out of the hospital for 2.5 years and this is the first person willing to talk to me about it, or acknowledge that it is traumatizing. Everyone else (drs. nurses, social workers, group home staff) all acted like 'so your out of the hospital why aren't you accomplishing anything' 'so your out of the hospital your fine now' as if there were no more problems.

On another note-does anyone get tremors from meds? I told my psy about it and she wrote it down but said nothing about it. I'm worried it's a sign of parkinsons. I read that it's a early warning sign that often appears before 40.

Recovery?

Why do people use the word recovery when talking about Schizophrenia? You don't recover you just dull the effects with meds. How long will the meds work? No one knows. You could be fine for months then all of a sudden have a hallucination. It's a roller coaster. And mood. I never know what my mood will be when I get up in the morning. Will I be able to get up and get a few chores done, or will I be unable to even get myself in the bath.
My GP the first day I met her referred to me as recovered and asked me when I would be getting back to work. I sat there mute unable to come up with something to say. BTW she seems to think volunteering is not work. She always wants to know when I'm going to be paid. A normal paid job is just the amount of stress I need to start hallucinating again and shoot my anxiety way up. She doesn't understand these things-she doesn't understand much. At my last paid job I began crying uncontrollably everyday in front of management until eventually they would not allow me back. I just snapped and couldn't take it any more. I missed shifts b/c I couldn't bear to go in. I lost the reality of paycheck=home. I told my former dr. this and she got me disability for generalized anxiety disorder. She had no idea I was actually schizophrenic. I was obviously in denial about it b/c I did not hear 'crazy voices' I heard angels. I never told her about that.
I have no idea who reads this blog, but it made me feel good to write two tonight when I can't sleep.

bus/bed/therapy

When you take the bus on the weekend there is a good chance it will be detoured for a special event. I keep forgetting this during the few times I venture downtown on the weekend. I also noticed weekend bus riders have no idea what they are doing. I have no idea what they do during the week to get around b/c they act like they have never been on a bus in their lives. Every single stop people get on and ask where the bus goes. Sometimes people who have been on the bus for sometime decided to get up and ask where they are going. This boggles my mind. Figure it out beforehand. Don't just ride aimlessly around the city hoping the bus will take you where you want to go. One thing that got me upset is that an old man got on the bus; his disability card said he was born in 1935. None of the young healthy looking people taking up all the front seating would get up for him. I let him have my seat even tho I have a disability pass and it is hard for me to stand on a bus with my osteo arthritis. Boggles my mind how people don't think of others; especially the elderly and the handicap.

I have had a terrible week with staying in bed all day, almost everyday. No chores have been done. The place is a dump. I did manage to go to my volunteering and my team meeting. I'm glad I got up the ooomf to go. My Dr. thinks I might be having thyroid problems rather than negative symptoms so I will have to go in for quite a few tests. As always I have to get the old diabetes test again. It's one I always pray I don't have.


I am supposed to start talk therapy this week. I am horrible at sitting down in a office and discussing my problems. I hate it when they ask you what you want to talk about. I never know where to begin. I have terrible guilt over telling people things that were not true about my life-I thought they were true but it was psychosis. It is very embarrassing to me. I always avoid/pray I don't run into any old friends so I wont have to explain. I suppose that is where therapy could start.

Meds

I had psychosis for 17 years before being put on meds. I understand why some people don't want to be on meds. For years my psychosis was seeing and hearing angels and faeries. I loved it. I thought I was psychic and special. Even now that I know what it was-if that was all being schizophrenic meant in my life I wouldn't take meds. I would actually like to live among the faeries. The problem is that it took a much darker turn in my life to where I thought my house and thoughts were bugged. I couldn't have a single private thought. I thought I was watched 24/7 even on the toilet and in the shower. I thought people were breaking into my basement and drugging me, threatening to kill me. You just can't survive living with that level of psychosis everyday-I think even if you were somewhat aware it wasn't real-and certainly you can't if you believe it. I am scared that that will happen to me again and start a downward spiral. Losing my mind and housing. Again. So I take my meds everyday.

binge

I tend to binge eat after taking me meds. I am ashamed of what I just ate as I feel sick. A pint of ice cream, mini eggs and 3 english muffins with cheddar. This is all before I plan to go to bed.

I've asked my dr to take me off zopiclone which is part of the reason I do this. She now wants me to take trazodone and zopiclone at the same time. I didn't understand her explanation. I haven't been sleeping-zop no longer works which is why I also want to dump it.

I was on a great streak of  productivity a few weeks ago and that has vanished. Now I stay in bed all day and have to force myself to bathe. Laundry tomorrow b/c there is nothing left to wear.

to dream or not to dream

I used to be upset about birthdays. Every year was a year I hadn't accomplished my dreams in life-specific goals I had planned out for myself. I can't get down on myself about that -I was undiagnosed, unmedicated and doing the very best I could in a very stressful world. Now my birthday goes by with no unpleasantness at all. This is b/c I have no dreams left. Absolutely no goals to accomplish in my life. My previous goal involved working with children. Who would let me do that now? In this world a schizophrenic would not be allowed. Would not get past the reference check. Parents would freak out that the schizophrenic would 'schiz out' and hurt the kids.

I hope my blogs make sense to people. The only time I have the energy to write them is after taking sleeping pills-i know, what?

no desire

I have no desire to do anything. I don't know if this is negative symptoms or depression or of a result of changing  my medication times. In 4 days this is the most I have done- to write this. When I first got bumped up on sertraline I was full of energy. I started painting again. I cleaned. I cooked. I started this blog. I started a goal journal I was very enthused about. This was all within 3 days. Then I got sick. Is this funk just the flu? I don't know.

My mental health team never talks about negative symptoms. It's always centered around my reality thinking. I didn't even know what negative symptoms were really until I started reading other people blogs. I think they have taken over my life for years and no dr. said anything except I'm lazy. When I lived in a group home I spent everyday just drinking tea and staring down at the table. Again no one thought this odd-just lazy. I had no desire to even leave the house. No desire to start a art project even. No one told me this is part of the disease.

My dr. wants me to get back into the work force-has she not been paying attention? Some weeks I can't wash a dish in the sink. Sometimes I don't sleep for a week. These are cycling symptoms I work hard at sometimes-then sometimes they take over. Then of course all the other physical ailments.I do manage to work a half day volunteering. I hope I will be able to keep on at it.

Those three days I talked about before were wonderful. I was looking after myself and nothing is better than the ability to do that.

Zopiclone

I have insomnia and Zopiclone no longer works. In fact it seems to give me more drive to get up and do things. The downside to that is in the morning sometimes I don't remember what I've done-what emails I've sent off that I might not have if I hadn't taken the drug. It's hard to cut off it b/c it makes me feel good. Unfortunately it make me want to eat. eeek! Does anyone know of other sleep medications? My drs. are always hesitant to try anything else b/c they think they are addictive. But if I have to take it every night anyway who cares?