Self Care

I have troubles with self care sometimes. I don't brush my teeth or bathe for 3 days-I make that my limit no matter how badly I don't want to do it. But why don't I want to do it? I don't have the answer.

The same thing goes for my apt. It could be almost uninhabitable sometimes and I will turn a blind eye. I really sometimes don't notice until someone else comes in here and I suddenly look at it from their point of view; or sometimes I just snap out of my haze.

I recently got pushed up onto 50mg of zoloft. The first few days I felt great and had a new appreciation for looking after myself. I wanted everything organized for once-properly. I threw everything out of the bathroom and scrubbed it all down. I started a goal journal to set tasks for myself everyday. I started this blog to organize my thoughts and feelings.  It felt amazing. Then I got the flu and it all stopped. Why does that have to happen when I'm on a roll. So much more to get done and I've lost my drive.

The good thing is I realized how much these things affect my mental health. It's not just a dish in the sink-it's a stressor. A sink full is anxiety that leads to avoidance. It makes you feel good to care for your home-so why don't I do it? A therapist on hoarders asked her client why she didn't love herself enough to keep a nice home. Is that it? Do I hate myself? A comment was once made to me by a mental health worker. I said something about paying rent on my new place and she said 'well, you don't pay rent, we do the public' B/c I'm on assistance. Do I feel guilty for not paying my own rent? Yes-even tho right now I know I can't. I feel it was a mean thing for her to say. I used to work several jobs. For a while 7 days a week. I payed taxes into the system that now helps me so why do I have to feel guilty b/c I need help?

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