Self Care

I have troubles with self care sometimes. I don't brush my teeth or bathe for 3 days-I make that my limit no matter how badly I don't want to do it. But why don't I want to do it? I don't have the answer.

The same thing goes for my apt. It could be almost uninhabitable sometimes and I will turn a blind eye. I really sometimes don't notice until someone else comes in here and I suddenly look at it from their point of view; or sometimes I just snap out of my haze.

I recently got pushed up onto 50mg of zoloft. The first few days I felt great and had a new appreciation for looking after myself. I wanted everything organized for once-properly. I threw everything out of the bathroom and scrubbed it all down. I started a goal journal to set tasks for myself everyday. I started this blog to organize my thoughts and feelings.  It felt amazing. Then I got the flu and it all stopped. Why does that have to happen when I'm on a roll. So much more to get done and I've lost my drive.

The good thing is I realized how much these things affect my mental health. It's not just a dish in the sink-it's a stressor. A sink full is anxiety that leads to avoidance. It makes you feel good to care for your home-so why don't I do it? A therapist on hoarders asked her client why she didn't love herself enough to keep a nice home. Is that it? Do I hate myself? A comment was once made to me by a mental health worker. I said something about paying rent on my new place and she said 'well, you don't pay rent, we do the public' B/c I'm on assistance. Do I feel guilty for not paying my own rent? Yes-even tho right now I know I can't. I feel it was a mean thing for her to say. I used to work several jobs. For a while 7 days a week. I payed taxes into the system that now helps me so why do I have to feel guilty b/c I need help?

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17 Years of Psychosis part 1

I had psychosis for 17 years before I was put in the hospital. It started when I was in high school. (going back to about grade 1 I thought I was being haunted by ghosts-I don't know if that a bit psychotic or not) I thought I was being drugged and sexually assaulted by a family member I was living with. I thought my mother was in on it but wouldn't help me. I told people about this and no one helped me. Looking back it is completely fucked up. I told my best friend and she believed that this was happening to me but offered no help (she was only a teen-what was she to do?) I phoned a family friend who is a psychiatric nurse and she told me it was my 'sexual hormones' which made me think she was accusing me of being sexually attracted to this family member. She thought I was fantasizing about him. (to this day I can not stand that woman. she should not be  allowed to practice in that profession. no other p-nurse I have met would have ever acted that way) I was taken to a psychiatrist (ok there was that effort to help) but we only went once. I did not trust him at all- didn't like the looks of him so I told him nothing about what had gone on. He kept asking me if I was hearing voices. In my head I rolled my eyes and thought oh god this quack thinks I'm a schizophrenic. I wasn't hearing voices at that time so I kept saying no. He spoke to my mom alone and we left. I went to my regular Dr. about not sleeping. He told me I could have some sleeping pills which I had been asking for for ages. After the first night on them I did not feel good. My head felt like it was swelling up then deflating-an odd thing. I decided I couldn't take the pills anymore. I stopped and no one said boo about it. A few months later I went to a fill in Dr. He asked me why I had been put on anti-psychotics. I told him I wasn't I was on sleeping pills-he said no that's not what that was. When he left the room I took my file. The psychiatrist and written that I was schizophrenic and had put me on anti-psychotics. My mother and all the dr.s knew this and no one told me. This is something I can not forgive my mother for or that dr (the dr later lost his license for something unrelated to me) How can you not tell someone about their own illness? Would you do that to someone with cancer?

I will have to finish this later...

Blogs and Books

Just in case someone comes across this blog I wanted to ask if you know of other good blogs and books about Schizophrenia.
I have read recently Weekends At Bellevue by Dr. Julie Holland (non-fiction) It gives an interesting view of how we are treated/thought of by mental health care professionals.

Henry's Deamons by Patrick and Henry Cockburn. (non-fiction) This book is an interesting idea as it it written by both father and son in alternating chapters. The father spends to much time writing about his journalism creds for my liking but none the less I enjoyed it. (mostly enjoyed the sons parts)

I Know This Much To Be True (fiction) by Wally Lamb. I prefer non fiction but this is a very good book. It's a book I put down for months then pick up again b/c it's great but I find it very depressing. I told my psychiatrist it was depressing and she was surprised. It makes me wonder if she really understands how devastating this disease can be to the people who have it. She obviously can't put herself in my shoes. I can't explain anymore b/c I don't want to give away the book.

weight gain and bad psychiatrists

There are several things on my mind. Weight gain and bad psychiatrists mostly. I gained 80 pds while on risperidone. My psychiatrist  at that time said to me 'it makes you gain weight, but the good thing is you can't gain weight if you don't over eat. so just don't over eat' He blamed me for my weight gain. When I told him I wasn't over eating he told me to 'check myself'. I lived in a group home at the time and all I was eating was cereal or 2 hard boiled eggs for breakfast, then whatever dinner was provided. Once in a while yes I would buy myself a treat but 80pds?! After he retired I got a new psychiatrist and a new psychiatric nurse. The nurse told me that anti-psychotics mess with your metabolism. She was more understanding about the weight than the previous dr but still asked me if I had some emotional issues for the weight gain. If the drugs do mess with your metabolism why do people have to make you feel so bad about gaining weight? My group home wrote a letter to my previous dr telling him that I made excuses not to exercise. Well this 'excuse' was that they wanted me to go for an hr long walk. I did not know it at the time but I was developing bone spurs in my back that made walking sometimes very painful. Sometimes so painful I would have to sit down b/c I could no longer stand up. I felt that my group home and my dr were in cahoots to be uncaring. My dr. often called me lazy. I told him once that my ankles were freezing up and I couldn't walk properly sometimes. He said that was from being lazy. That problem went away when I stopped taking risperidone which causes muscle stiffness. So I was not lazy-I was having a side effect he should have been concerned about.BTW this dr. was quite over weight himself so WTF?

I feel that every time you go to a new dr or nurse they have different information than the last one. It's as if some don't want to do their homework and learn about what's current. They just slide through the day being idiots to us and collecting huge paychecks. This dr. told me I couldn't gain weight on that drug unless I over ate. Wrong. He said the drugs only cause stiffness in the arms. Wrong. Wrong about a lot of things. Plus just a dick on top of it all. But the Dr. in the hospital was even worse. I wont go into it now.

Birthday

So my birthday is coming up. This is significant to me b/c when I had psychosis I believed I was going to be murdered before this birthday. I wonder what this entire year would have been like for me had I not been put in hospital and given meds. Living everyday like people are out to get you is awful. I lived it for a few weeks before I was taken in. I can't imagine living that way for years. The toll it would have taken on me. Medication can be an amazing thing.

I'm in an anxious/upset mood b/c I read in another blog that abilify (which is what I take) can cause TD. I had been told by a dr that it probably doesn't. Has anyone else heard of this?

A Normal Person

I constantly find myself saying 'a normal person should be able to do this...' to myself. I used to think it was a way to motivate myself and question why I was so lazy. This morning when I thought it I realized I was putting myself down. I am not the same as other people health wise. In addition to SZ I have osteoarthritis and am quite over weight. I'm not the same as I was even a few years ago and I can't expect myself to do as much in a day. I get upset that sometimes I can't walk even 1 block without being in pain. It's not my fault my arthritis acts up but I somehow feel like it's my fault I'm so unhealthy at a young age. I used to work 7 days a week at 2 different jobs. Now I am just working 1 half day.  My goal now is to figure out what is realistic for me to accomplish in a day. What is lazy and what is a productive day. To help myself with this I am starting a goal journal. In the morning I make myself a list of  tasks to carry out. I feel like this will help me have a more balanced and productive week.

First Blog-Stigma

I have just today started reading some of the blogs written by people with Schizophrenia. I was surprised by how upbeat they were. I assumed, like me, most people live with a tremendous weight on their shoulders. I worry constantly about people finding out I have it. How will they react? How will they react privately as I know someone could seem sympathetic to your face only to be mean to your back.  Will I ever get back to a 'normal' job. I have faced stigma even volunteering for a charity. Several mental health consumers worked there. In short I heard comments being thrown around such as 'why do you even talk to him? he's a mental health consumer. he's crazy and not worth speaking to.' I think this had a terrible effect on me. I feared this was how people with a diagnosis would be treated-then I saw it first hand. Not worth speaking to? I got up from the table and walked out. I was close to tears for weeks when thinking about it? Am I overly sensitive? I wrote them a letter a week later telling them why I walked out. I told them I can't work for a organization that treats mental health consumers that way. Their response was that the conversation was not for me to hear-wasn't about me-but sorry if it upset you.

I also worry about my housing situation. I live in subsidized housing so certain people who run it know I have an illness. The tenants do not. The building has become a 'hard to house building' meaning people with MI and addictions get first spot at moving in after a hospital stay. This is very new and the old tenants seem to be on a witch hunt to find out which one of us has what. I fear if they find out they will try to get me evicted. I am not being paranoid-I think this is happening to someone down the hall from me. I think he has Schizophrenia b/c he has flat effect. I know for sure he has MI b/c I have seen him somewhere getting services. People in the building gossip about him and how he looks crazy. (he is very friendly and nice) They are starting rumors that he is trying to break into apts. When asked why they say that they just say 'he looks crazy'. Another reason I worry about housing is that even tho they let you live here with MI if you have a public breakdown you are evicted. To me this seems unevolved. Why can't they understand the illness, get someone help, and let them come back afterward. There is limited housing options for someone on disability pension in this over priced city. More pressure on me: If i lose it I pray to lose it quietly.

When people in the community heard about this new hard to house rule they went berserk. They began writing to newspapers saying they don't want family members living in a apt with the mentally ill. They think we are dangerous. They think we bring down the value of the neighborhood.

I don't know how to end this. Please leave comments.