update

So I haven't been on here in ages. Perhaps even as long as a year. Since then I was put back in the hospital for 2 weeks. An alternative hospital which is a normal house staffed with nurses and a psy. The -i can't remember the drugs I was on- was not working. In fact in the 9 months or so i took it i suppose it never had worked but just took me a long time to unravel. The unraveling was not severe and I'm grateful for that. Now that I think about it I couldn't have been on that drug for only 9 months-it had to be years. I've been lviing here for 4 years and I remember being afraid of the balcony breaking and me falling to my death. Since the new meds-paliperidone-i dont have that fear. I have  a lot of problems with memory and concentration which my drs tell me isnt from SZ and i don't believe them. My memory and concentration used to be tip top-I could read a whole novel in a day. Now i'm lucky to gather one page somedays.
This hospital stay was quite a while ago now. From what I remember a off handed comment on the internet made me suicidal so I got sent in. When I get suicidal its like the snap of the fingers. when i was at the place I heard a voice and when i came home for a trial weekend I felt someone was always standing behind me and I was terrified the whole time. All this was fixed easy with the new meds. I've had no problems since. I worry to say this tho b/c for a very long time i thought I was tip top on the other meds.

I've noticed that my two fav bloggers juju and jen daisybee dont seem to be around anymore. this makes me sad and i hope they are ok.

I'm back to having cleaning problems. i have a bout 6 bags of trash that needs to be taken out in the kitchen as well as misc garbage all over. dishes. messy bathroom. I rarely bathe. I cant seem to force myself to do these things. I wish I could go on anti depressants but i get every side effect and its better for me to not take them even if im not functional. It's also very hard for me to do daily tasks b/c i have arthritis in my spine and it can be excruciating. I'm fucked both mentally and physically. its not fair. life should have to pick one or the other.

I feel I'm going to have to go back to my chore journal where i write a list everyday of stuff i need to take care of. I never complete it but i at least get some stuff done.