up and down

So I can not force myself to bathe today. I could not force myself to go to a medical appt either. I don't know why. I am completely up and down with my moods. My psy doesn't know what to make of me I think b/c when she asks how I am my answer is always different. Although I think she thinks drugs can stabilize your mood permanently and mine can't be. Our appts. are always about drugs. Drugs and sleep. My sleep is always all over the place too. My psy doesn't understand that either and blames it on caffeine. It's not caffeine. Some days I can rink tons of it and sleep just fine. I've always had up and down sleep. Up and down is what is normal for me. This is why I don't think I will ever really be a productive member of society. It's very hard for me to make commitments. I can have all the best intentions in the world but there is a 50% chance on that day I need to be somewhere that I just can't drag myself there.

On a different note I need to find a diet that works for me. I have always been over weight but with the meds it is out of control. I used to only eat once a day and was still over weight. Now I eat 3-4 times. This is b/c I'm hungrier than I used to be; my rent is now cheaper so I can afford more food; my dr. told me my body would be in starvation mode. This is what I have been eating. Breakfast: mini wheats. Lunch: spaghetti Dinner: spinach salad. Then a random snack. I think the spaghetti will pack on the pounds-of course I put cheese on it. What should I eat to replace it? I need something cheap. Food prices are very high in B.C. Canada. I was thinking about rice with veg? Vegetables are very expensive tho.

sick and tired

I feel like I haven't posted in ages. I got all my blood tests back and they were all normal. I was shocked. Why do I feel so sick and tired all the time? Could it really be a flu that lasts months? My psy thinks it sounds like depression but I don't feel that depressed. At least not as depressed as I used to feel. I told my psy about my anxiety. She kept asking me if it was b/c I thought people were thinking bad things about me when I go out in public. It's not-but she thinks it is. She kept saying that there had to be a thought in my head that was causing anxiety but if there is I don't know what it is. I don't really think anxiety is that easy to fix. People have unreasonable anxiety all the time and it's not b/c they are paranoid or psychotic.

Juju thanks for the offer of melatonin but I don't want to give out my personal info. Very kind of you.

hi

I've been away from here for a bit with illness. Dr.s don't know if it's negative symptoms or thyroid or flu or urinal tract infection or diabetes. I have been drop down exhausted to the point even a bath is a chore. I finally got tests done which is good but now I have to wait for results.

I have taken a bunch of pills and still no rest. I know  people suggested melatonin but can't afford it now.

I wonder how many people with mentally ill families move to Canada just to get the health care. In the psych ward and in group homes half were english second language. All of the people in my group home had disability benefits which includes shelter and food allowance and some of the people were not citizens of Canada. I'm not sure exactly how it all works. However services are reducing and this may all cause a giant problem with over flooding the system with consumers.